It's all one sided
by floro13
Summary: Unrequited love, intelligent conversation, talking to a brick wall... A collection of mini conversations which all have the unfortunate trait of being totally one sided.
1. Chapter 1

**Well this is just a random idea that sprang to mind at about 2am yesterday morning (don't ask… I have very erratic sleeping patterns!). Will probably be a series of random scenes, I really don't know! **

**So, a bit about this format: each chapter is simply a scene between two people, but you will only have the dialogue of one of the people… this allows me to feel creative and also allows you, my lovely readers, to have a little imagination and fill in the gaps!**

**This is a bit of a test run, so let me know what you think? **

**R xxx**

**_Disclaimer: If I owned it, I could afford to go on holiday this year :'( The bahamas has always appealed… One day… _**

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Lily (+ James)**

'Yes Potter, what do you want?'

'Oh you did, did you?'

'No.'

'Yes that's my final answer.'

'Yes I'm sure.'

'Potter if you don't have anything of value to say to me, I'd really appreciate it if you would leave me alone.'

'None of your business.'

'Potter, get off! OW!'

'If you were sorry, you'd have left earlier without setting fire to my Arithmancy homework.'

'You don't even do Arithmancy!'

'Potter, this may seem a little incredulous to you, but some of us would like to actually pass our OWLs.'

'No, it means that I am disinclined to let you do my work when you have no idea what the rudiments of the subject include.'

'Yes, I would like that very much.'

'Potter… what are you doing?'

'You are not studying.'

'Yes, I realise this is the library. So what are you doing in it? Moreover, on my table.'

'Could you read somewhere else?'

'FINE. Read here, see if I care.'

'…'

'…'

'Potter, if you are going to read at my table, I would appreciate it beyond all measure if you would stop playing footsie with me.'

'No, I am not enjoying it.'

'No, I'm not.'

'I'm not smiling.'

'Fine, suit yourself.'

'…'

'Potter, stop humming please.'

'No you cannot whistle instead.'

'Because it's _annoying_.'

'Lighten up? Lighten UP! Potter, I have a detention slip at my disposal, and I'm not afraid to use it.'

'Oh wouldn't I?'

_**Dentention Slip**_

**_Issued by:_** _Lily Rosalie Evans_

**_To:_** _James _

'what's your middle name?'

_Ingrid _

'Ingrid! Potter!'

Daniel Potter

**_Reason:_** _Cheek… _

'Yes cheek Potter.'

'Yes you were'

'FINE, you think of a good enough excuse.'

…_and purposeful destruction of another student's work_

'It _is_ destroyed!'

'Oh great, two sentences! Do you realise how much I'd written already?'

'It there, that little pile of black ash next to the candle. And I believe some of it may be smeared on your cheek'

'No I most certainly will not wipe it off for you.'

'Because… oh stop distracting me.'

_**Punishment:** Lines_

**_Date:_** _17th October 1975_

'There you go.'

'You're welcome.'

'No you may not do your lines here. You first have to take that to McGonagall.'

'Yes yes, _Professor_ McGonagall.'

'Look, why am I even bothering to explain this to you? You must have had at least a thousand of these in your school career.'

'And you counted?'

'Permit me to say that's sad, Potter.'

'Would you just take that to _Professor_ McGonagall now!'

'Now wherever would you get an idea like that?'

'Well I am.'

'Because you are annoying me.'

'I don't know why. You tell me… no don't.'

'Potter! Would you just leave me ALONE!'

'OW OW OW OW OW!'

'…without burning my hair in the process.'

'I'll give you another detention slip.'

'Yes I would dare.'

'I- Potter. Just go. Please please please just go away.'

'No I will not go out with you this Saturday! I thought we'd established this…'

'Potter, I don't think you realise quite how much danger you are in at this particular moment in time.'

'A lot.'

'Very painfully.'

'No I am NOT in a good mood! Not only have you seen fit to burn both my homework and my hair but you have, in the past five minues "read" seven different books, put a ladder in my tights and escalated my blood pressure through the roof, only to ask me the same question you have been asking me for the past 3 years!'

'Take a wild guess.'

'Oh for the love of… you know exactly which question: "Will you go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?" '

'NO Potter, I didn't mean… I- Potter get back here!'

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**All ideas welcome!**

**R xxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Well here is installment no. 2! I've kept it in Lily/James era mainly because I don't know whether I'm going to leave it and stray into Harry era… any preferences or ideas most welcome! Enjoy my lovelies :) **

**R xxx**

**Disclaimer:**

**Fan **_n. _An ardent devotee; an enthusiast.

**fic·tion **_n. _A literary work whose content is produced by the imagination and is not necessarily based on fact.

**Yeah, so it's not mine, and I'm still dirt poor. Weep for me.**

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Sirius (+ James)**

'Alright there Prongs?'

'Prongs?'

'Yo! Earth to Prongs! Hello?'

'Woah, look… McGonagall naked…'

'Ha! That got your attention didn't it?'

'Ow!'

'Yeah, okay I kinda deserved that.'

'Yes, well now I have your undivided attention, I thought I'd tell you that Remus left about an hour ago.'

'To go and buy some new socks…'

'No not really! Snap to it Prongs- focus.'

'I thought we'd leave in about half an hour.'

'To go and buy some gloves to go with Remus's new socks.'

'NO NOT REALLY! Seriously James…'

'Yeah, haha, never heard that one before…'

'But honestly James, are you feeling alright?'

'I'm taking your temperature… you're really not yourself.'

'Say "Ah"'

'So I can pretend to be extremely knowledgeable about all ailments that include excessive day-dreaming, severe staring into space and wan smiling.'

'Have you had anything to eat in the last hour?'

'Well, that must be the problem. Come on, we'll go to the kitchens on our way to the Willow.'

'What do you mean "why?". Prongs, it's full moon…'

'Exactly, so as I said, we're leaving soon, you might want to get your cloak out.'

'Then where is it?'

'Evans? Since when did Evans know you have an invisibility cloak? Actually, since when would Evans ask to borrow anything from you?'

'Weird… she must be losing her evil psycho-bitch exterior.'

'Since she killed Bob, may he rest in peace.'

'Bob. You know… my puffskein…'

'Well then it was your fault for replacing him in the Quidditch kit. Damn, but Evans is a good beater…'

'Okay, off the Evans talk. It's Moony we're worried about tonight.'

'Moony, you know… Remus, Jekyll and Hyde, man-with-a-monthly-problem? Okay, you are definitely ill.'

'I'm going to say this very slowly and carefully, and you are going to listen to me. We are going to the Whomping Willow in twenty minutes in order to spend the night with Remus as he goes through his transformation this month. Following so far?'

'Good. On the way to said Whomping Willow, we are going to stop by the kitchens to get you some food, as you are clearly lacking in vital brain functions due to starvation.'

'I don't care if you're not hungry, this will make you better.'

'I don't care if you're not ill.'

'Prongs, if you don't concentrate and stop gazing into space, I am going to call Peeves up here and get him to… do something painful.'

'And you're… okay with that?'

'Okay, joke over. Where have you put my best mate?'

'Then please explain the total apathy I am currently witnessing.'

'Talked? Okay, translation: "I was stalking Evans and she caught me and asked me what I was doing hiding behind a suit of armour".'

'Prefect duty?'

'Together?'

'But I thought she'd scheduled your duties to be as far away from hers as humanely possible.'

'Hmm… frosty ice-bitch is definitely thawing…'

'OUCH!'

'Did not.'

'Did not.'

'Did no- oh shut up! So anyway, what happened?'

'Talking. Okay… talking is good…'

'Again? Prongs… you know that whenever you ask her that she hits you.'

'Yeah, that's true- no bruises tonight… So what did she do instead? Lock you in a cupboard?

'Remove your sanity?'

'Come on, gimme a clue.'

'SHE SAID WHAT!'

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At this point the author would like to clarify that Mr Black fainted (very attractively of course) only to be revived by Peeves throwing a bucket of ice all over him (followed by vehement swearing on Mr Black's part... phwoar...!). Soooo, any guesses from you lovely people as to what was said:D**

**R xxx**


	3. Chapter 3

**_Lily (+ essentially James although, as we find out, their conversation is interrupted by some rather hungry Marauders)_**

'James, you're late again.'

'Well only that Scrimgeour is preventing me from spending as much time with my new husband as possible!'

'I know it's important, but honestly James the man hardly granted you a honeymoon, and now he's working you twelve hours a day. You look dead on your feet.'

'Can't you be more than fine some day?'

'Ooh, not much really. I finished my article on the candidates running for the Minister this year.'

'Oh yes, just thrilling!'

'Mmm, I love you too…'

'You look exhausted, did you miss lunch again today?'

'Then let me fix something up… I've got treacle tart for pudding.'

'Mmm, I love you too…'

'James I actually needed to tell you something.'

'Well I- Oh for the love of… Sirius, do you have a radar for cookery smells?'

'Hmm… I surmised as much.'

'Chicken pie. And no, it's not for you.'

'No, not even a doggy-bag, horrendous though that pun is, and overused too.'

'Sirius, may I ask what warranted your apparating straight into my living room uninvited?'

'Funnily enough, I find that extraordinarily difficult to believe.'

'Sirius, did you actually have a purpose? Because I'd actually like to spend some time with my husband.'

'James. My husband. The man standing in the doorway laughing at you. Sirius I know we've only been married two months, but even you must remember who he is.'

'Temporary amnesia? From wha- Oh Remus! How lovely to see you!'

'Oh so you're the culprit! Honestly, I don't know what to do with you boys sometimes…'

'I'm really well thank you Re. You look much better from last week.'

'Yes Sirius, he gets a hug because he asked me how I was. And didn't apparate straight onto my sofa.'

'No you cannot redeem yourself.'

'Ew! Change back immediately! I will not have dog drool all over my carpet!'

'Maybe I am houseproud… that's nothing to be ashamed of.'

'Sirius, do not push your luck. I am this close to hexing your mouth shut.'

'No, don't worry James. In fact why don't you all sit down and I'll get you a drink.'

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'Here you go…'

'You're more than welcome Re darling.'

'Yes Sirius, you just get water. Why? Is it not wet enough for you?'

'Well I don't have any firewhiskey. You'll have to raid James' not-so-secret stash in the bathroom.'

'Don't worry darling, I don't mind.'

'Mmm, I love you too…'

'LOOK Sirius! I don't mind you coming and slobbering all over my furniture and begging a meal once in a while, but pleeeeease get over the fact that we are married and legally entitled to kiss one another in public!'

'It is not gross! I- Oh Peter! My what a gathering… How are you?'

'Ooh, just about to burst a blood vessel but otherwise well thanks. Can I get you a drink?'

'Drink, Peter. I'm not feeding you all again tonight.'

'Because I fed Sirius yesterday and the day before and, ooh the day before that. Then you had supper and lunch the day before that and Remus was here for the preceeding three days because of his transformation.'

'No I don't mind in slightest Re, don't worry yourself. At least you eat human-sized portions…'

'Sirius, the amount of food you shovel at one meal could feed the entire population of a small country for a month.'

'Look, I just don't have the money, the time or the patience to have you all here all the time. Much as I love you all, I have to admit I love James more and would like just a little bit of time with him.'

'Thank you Remus.'

'Sirius, what problem? There are four perfectly good pubs less than a mile from here, not to mention the restaurants and bars. I'm quite sure you could find somewhere able to serve you a meal or six.'

'Well I thank you for the compliment, but my cooking is neither superior nor quick… Oh my god the treacle!'

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'You see?'

'Well judging by the large amount of smoke now issuing from the kitchen, I wouldn't say I really managed to save it.'

'Okay, this is going to take me a while to redo, so maybe you three had better run along.'

'No, Sirius you may not stay the night.'

'Because you have a perfectly good house of your own to live in.'

'Remus would you please escort him back to his house in order to refresh his memory as to where it is?'

'Okay, well bye then.'

'Why would you think that?'

'Well I'm not trying to get rid of you, I'd just like a little space and time with James.'

'Oh he just knows when to keep his nose out of situations I'm in control of.'

'Yes Peter, I am in control of it!'

'Please boys, would you please just go? Pretty please?'

'James, don't you dare think about trying to talk about work with them now.'

'No, not the weather either.'

'Definitely not Quidditch.'

Would you please just ask them to go?'

'So you sounds as if you mean it…'

'I am not sodding hormonal Sirius!'

'Peter, I do believe you are learning bad habits from this lot, and I think you ought to know that I don't approve in the slightest. And yes, I am still in control of this situation.'

'Sirius, if the words 'Can I stay for dinner' come out of your mouth one more time, I can guarantee the next ones will be 'Ow my crotch'.'

'No please don't sit on the sofa!'

'Because that makes it seem like you're staying.'

'No. You're not.'

'Peter it's not funny.'

'No, it's not! Please Peter I- okay, I draw the line at rats. Don't make me get the poison out!'

'No Sirius, don't do that! Oh please change back!'

'James this is not funny.'

'Not the carpet!'

'Oh Re, it looks futile…'

'All I want is some time with my husband- is that so much to ask!'

'Thank you Sirius. But I'm warning you, if I find so much as a single flea…'

'Peter. Don't do that again, besides our next door neighbours have a very unfriendly cat…'

'No Sirius you would not.'

'Look I'm not having another animagi discussion with you all!'

'Because I want a nice, quiet, peaceful, calm evening with James!'

'Why tonight! I'll tell you why tonight.'

'James. I'm pregnant.'

'…'

'Aaah… peace at last.'

'Mmm, I love you too…'

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**Hey all, sorry this has taken a while to come up… Am currently trying to think of light fluffy ones rather than my usual angsty themed fics! I am, admittedly, finding it a lot more difficult than I anticipated, but I think listening to happy songs definitely helps!**

**Hopefully I should get a new one up within the week. Any thoughts on this one warmly appreciated :) **

**-flo xx**


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